The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
MY WIFE:We named you after our favorite songs. You were mine
LAYLA: I love that
ME: And you mine
THEME FROM DUCKTALES: No, yeah, I figured
Someone stole my debit card, went and spent $60 at a restaurant and only left a $4 tip. It’s not even your card, and you leave a $4 tip. Unreal
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Oh yeh? Explain this then
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
I took biscuits with me on a date once.
She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
Starting to miss the kids after 5 days at grandma’s, so I wistfully dumped a bin of toys on the floor and sprinkled crumbs on the couch.
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.