@dysondoc

The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

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@shkeeber

Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.

@pancakemixtape

It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.

@kwirkyKerri

I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.

@writerPT

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

@Divergentmama

Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned

@I_Disdain

“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken

@yaboydil

Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles

@gruffybeard

9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.