Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
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It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Me: maybe I should turn on the news
[17 seconds later]
Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles
9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?
9: *tells story*
Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.