The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.

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Going to war is the only way Americans can learn geography.


It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.


I don’t wish anybody dead, but a well placed nasty rash on you would kind of make my day.


I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.


Me: maybe I should turn on the news

[17 seconds later]

Me: yeah, this grout in the bathroom really needs to be cleaned


“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken


Some say global warming is caused by an increase in greenhouse gases, but I know that’s a cover up for the truth: too many hot local singles


9: Daddy, wanna hear something cool?

Me: Sure!

9: *tells story*

Me: Ok, well clearly we need to work on how you define “something cool”.