HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
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just got a JetBlue email saying i can fly the plane if i book now
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
BF: I’m hungry. Wanna go out to eat?
GF: I look like hell. We can’t go out to eat.
BF: You look good enough to go to Waffle House.
GF: [eyes narrow]
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Can’t. Being lazy.
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
“When you fall in love it burns and you die, right?”
Yes, son. Love is terrible.
“No Mom, I said LAVA.”
Oh. You maybe can survive that one.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
I’m not smiling because I like you, I’m smiling because I’m imagining a piano landing on your head.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*
This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.