me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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OH. COME. ON.
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
Me, in my teens: *tries a new hobby*
Me, in my 20s: *tries a new career*
Me, in my 30s: *tries a new burner on my stove*
All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
I do not hit my children. However, I do text them in complete sentences with capitalization and punctuation, which is apparently equally aggressive.
[First Date]
HER: Do you consider yourself a feminist?
ME: Oh I’m not feminist at all!
HER:
ME: In fact, some of my best friends are women.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
When someone compliments me on here, my gut reaction is to say, “YEAH OKAY AND WHAT IF I’M A CATFISH?!”
…I am not a catfish.
Why am I like this?
Me: is it ok if we have sex right now
Girlfriend: yes, also thanks for asking
Me: yeah consent is important, don’t u agree
Mom, also at the dinner table: absolutely, you’re such a gentleman
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
Everyone is freaking out because I brought my own gavel to court, no one knows if I’m allowed to do this, the judge is crying
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]
“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”
Here
“Aren’t you going to guess?”
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.