ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
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ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
Haunted house ideas:
-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room
Why don’t they just get Jehovah’s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
today I went for a run & a homeless guy was like WHAT ARE YOU RUNNING FROM & I was like EVERYTHING
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Dr: I’m sorry. we lost her
Dr: but we think she was moved to the adjacent wing of the hospital
Dr: that’s where the morgue is
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?