“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
quick how do i lose 15lbs in a month without changing a single thing
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
I saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster. I had to step in, they couldn’t even lift him. We high-fived & laughed.
BOSS: Can I see you in my office?
INVISIBLE-MAN: [sigh] I don’t know how many more ways I can explain this to you
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home