the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
You Might Also Like
Mr. Beast: I locked 30 single moms in an IKEA with unlimited weapons and gave the winner $200,000
Everybody: Hey man. You shouldn’t do that
Friend: “Did you bring condoms?”
Me: “No need. If I’m drunk enough to talk to a girl, I’m way too drunk to get it up.”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
*first day as a hair stylist
“STOP SCREAMING ABOUT THE BLOOD! THAT’S WHY WE PUT THE APRON ON YOU!”
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
{commercial for Hallmark}
This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
To change the traffic light from red to green, pick up your phone and try to read a text on your cellphone.
if Barbie’s elbows or knees bend when she puts on clothes i’m out
Dead
Alive
Other✔
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
i am developing a ground brekaing new app called “MOneyWallet”, where you earn “Money Points” by mailing cash to my house