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My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
The Rock hasn’t released a movie in two weeks. I hope he’s okay.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
Dr Raygun has achieved a feat absolutely unheard of in academia – people are reading her thesis
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
Scientist: we’re approaching a critical mass
Assistant: should we be wearing protection from the blast?
Mass: you look fat in that lab coat and no one likes you
Scientist: too late
Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
I love halloween time 🎃👻🐱:
– candy 🍬🍭🍫
– parties🍕🎉🍻
– costumes👯👺👽
– sacrifices to the dark lord 👉🐓👹
– scary movies🎬📽️💀😲
Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear