Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
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Why didn’t I go pee earlier.
– My tombstone
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
BOSS: Ok, so we’ve decided we’re definitely going to call our new product yogert. Has anyone got any thoughts on the spelling?
ROBHURT: yeh
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
When I was a medical student, another med student asked, “Why are we admitting this guy to psychiatry for hearing voices? Everyone hears voices all the time.”
I think about this a lot.
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Between the polyester and hairspray, it’s surprising more people didn’t spontaneously combust in the 80s.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
Grimace: *commits crimes against the United States*
Law Enforcement: “We believe we’ve identified the purpletraitor”.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.