@noog

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@dafloydsta

How to tell if your kid is doing drugs

1. Are your drugs missing?

@AndyLeeman91

If I had £1 for every good decision I’d ever made in my life I’d have £0

@UnfilteredMama

My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”

Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.

@Parkerlawyer

*6 holding a 5 hour energy*

“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”

Go ahead, have kids.

@IamJackBoot

Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.

@mrsmith196645

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

@XGroverX

Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?

@better_off_dad

I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.

@markleggett

Approach a woman in a bar and whisper “Hey, wanna get out of here?” If she says yes, you can sit where she was.

@NewDadNotes

Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.

Me: you forgot updog.

Yoga Instructor: what’s up-

Wife: -NOOOO!