When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
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It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.
The most unrealistic part of Star Wars is that everyone knows how to fix their own spaceship.
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
I mean…but I did
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
Eight maids a-milking
Seven swans a-swimming
Six geese a-laying
Five onion rings
Four calling birds
Three french hens
Two turtle doves, and
A partridge in a pear tree….Dwayne Johnson: Yup, that’s today’s meal prep done!
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
Goodnight moon. Goodnight cow jumping over the moon. Goodnight space cow preventing other cows from clearing the moon. Goodnight ketamine.
I triple waxed for this?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
I never realized how many “favorite” coffee mugs I had until other people tried to use them.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
A company has a patent to build a 20km high space elevator. Astronauts are now being trained how to avoid eye contact for the 17 hour ride.