“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
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Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
I can be back in bed in about 16 hours.
~me, every time my alarm goes off
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
Saw a homeless guy this mornin’ he said, “Any change?” Me, “Nope, you’re still cold and homeless.” We laughed & laughed & he stabbed me.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
nurse: height
me: i’m 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I wear flip-flops because I hate sneaking up on people.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
FYI to my fellow attorneys: If you ask someone if they can pass a drug test, and the person replies, “What KIND of drug test?”…the answer is NO, THAT PERSON CAN’T PASS A DRUG TEST.
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
Internet speeds are expected to slow Christmas morning when all the children open gifs from Santa
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Trix are for kids, but when my favorite rabbit gets together with the Energizer bunny it’s grownup time.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
It’s adorable when I bring workout clothes on a trip to Miami like I’m not just going to eat, drink, and sleep.
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
If you love someone, poison them a little bit each day. If they don’t suspect you at all, they might be the ONE.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*