If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable Four Wedgies and a Funeral
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
If courage is buying an entire tub of ice cream and immediately throwing out the lid, then yes I am definitely brave.
But that’s none of my business
[tracker kneels and examines spoor]
– A herd of idiots has passed this way but an hour ago.
– How can you tell?
– Look. Fresh nincompoop.
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I love that my dog always comes home from the groomer wearing a bandana. It’s like he was only gone for three hours, but joined a gang in that time.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
A few weeks ago I mentioned toilet paper in a tweet and got toilet paper in the mail. So, here goes: dragons.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Me and the fellas making welcome gift baskets for the aliens.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.