@kashanacauley

The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.

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@alfageeek

Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.

@Lanecat2

You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.

@mattingebretson

I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it

@pradogod

Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.

@PersianCeltic

Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.

@9262Laura

I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.

@littleliterally

coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!

@SlabBaconBP

Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”

@lisaxy424

today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore