The next James Bond is just going to be three hours of him trying to get all his info off Facebook.

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Remember: If you don’t post a first-day-of-school picture of each child on Facebook, the state will come and take your kids away.


You shouldn’t have driven home from the bar last night.

Especially since you walked there.


I hate when a grocery clerk judges you for what you put on the checkout belt. I found that dead cat behind YOUR store & now I want to buy it


Nicholas Cage was only good in FaceOff because he was played by John Travolta.


Anything I have ever learned about One Direction, The Kardashians and Taylor Swift has been completely against my will.


I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.


[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!

[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!


Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”


today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore