[first day as a cop]
me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance
dispatch: copy that
me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”