[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
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{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
Waitress says “Say when” when grating my cheese. I never say when. The room fills with parmesan. There are no survivors.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
Imagine if Spiders could Breakdance
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
When we first started dating, I admitted to my husband that I was a bad driver. He said “That’s nothing, I saw a crazy lady run an 18-wheeler off the road yesterday. Poor guy was struggling for his life trying to keep the rig from flipping over.” It was me. I was the crazy lady.
I’m a social vegan, I don’t like meet.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
CONFIRMED: Pete Davidson is now dating Sims 1 Bella Goth 🫢🫢