@chuuew

[the next jurassic park movie]

ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!

ME: Why do people keep coming here…?

You Might Also Like

@_elvishpresley_

[first day as a cop]

me: suspect is holding a sword and doing a ceremonial dance

dispatch: copy that

me: I don’t know. I’m not much of a dancer

@brookeisgolden

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

@MrDelFreaky

So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?

*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*

@SummerRay

I was the first person to install trampolines in musician’s tour buses and now everybody is jumping on the bandwagon.

@dearjodusty

I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.

@portmanteauface

As a kid, when my parents would tell me not to waste water, I knew enough about science to tell them you technically can’t because it evaporates and condenses and returns to earth in a harmonic cycle. Now I get water bills and wonder why they didn’t just slap me in the damn face.

@Stap_Jr

You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.

@CatherineLMK

“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”

-my brain