The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
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Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
Friend: What’s your costume for Halloween?
Me: The Invisible Man
Friend: Bandages and sunglasses?
Me: More realistic.
Friend: You’re not coming to the party are you?
Me: God no.
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
moms in horror movies
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
Animal behavior can warn you when an earthquake is coming.
Like the night before the last earthquake,our dog took the car keys and drove off
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
Cha-ching is my safe word