My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
You Might Also Like
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Realtor: this house is cursed
Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no
Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE
Me: oh ok
Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices
Me: Oh No
*gets drunk outside*
*gets drunk inside*
Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.
Happy father’s day.
Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did