The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

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My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”


ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective


Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no


Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No


Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.


Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”


Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!


Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.


You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did