@Fickle_Filly

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

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@RalphSudafed

My gf asked if I liked her more than I like chicken, and all I could say was “well I have known chicken longer…”

@chuuew

ME: There’s something disgusting in my food

WAITER: Our plates are reflective

@nyquills

Realtor: this house is cursed

Me: *scared of the supernatural* oh no

Realtor: WITH AN EXTREMLY REASONABLE MARKET PRICE

Me: oh ok

Realtor: on account of the bleeding walls and ritual sacrifices

Me: Oh No

@serendipitydon1

Anytime any man has ever asked, “Who’s your daddy?” during sex, I’ve always responded by loudly saying my father’s first, middle, and last names.

Happy father’s day.

@Christi_Q

Dating is hard because guys are like “You’re hot, can we do butt stuff yet?” and girls are like “It’s been 3 days, where’s my ring?”

@lecalabara

Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!

@MyNameIsArchaic

Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.

@Mr_Kapowski

You know you’re good when they have to add an amendment to the company handbook cause they never thought anyone would do what you did