The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
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Me: He’s a great baby, just doesn’t really sleep much.
My baby, if he could talk: Whoa whoa whoa! I sleep! As long as you hold me while standing – facing north – sway at an even 37 sways per minute, while Israel Kamakawiwoʻole’s Over the Rainbow plays. Why is this so hard?
Confusing my grandchildren by filling the Easter eggs with chicken nuggets
[blind date]
HER: I love the fall
ME {trying to impress her}: Lucifer had it coming
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Some moms put cute notes in their kids’ lunches.
Mine say: “Don’t forget you’re grounded so don’t make any plans with friends this weekend. Love you!”
I’m not saying the Internet lies, but there is an alarming discrepancy in the number of iPads I’ve won and the number that I actually own.
I learned all my flirting from lizards so I just do a bunch of really fast pushups when I see a cute lizard.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
“We are launching new bright color marketing, we heard people like it!”
Who? Who did you ask? Cardi B? Vanilla Ice? DJ Jazzy Jeff?
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
I’m fat but also mysterious *disappears in cloud of biscuits
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
What I say: No!
What my kids hear: There’s a really good chance if you keep asking.
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock