Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
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I’m not positive,
but I think when you say you’re “over” something,
YOU STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
If I ever have another kid I’m just gonna name it Audacity since that seems to be the specialty of the humans I make.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
i was baptized in a car wash
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.