“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants
The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.
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[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball
Him: I’m going to call you at 12
Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break up