The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

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“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants


ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce


With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.


[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.


Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*


My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.


[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball


Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie


Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.