@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.

You Might Also Like

@eliyudin

“As a side dish to your burrito would you like all the things that are inside the burrito, again?” – Mexican restaurants

@ClichedOut

ME: I’ll have the steak

WAITER: with pleasure

ME: um no, with steak sauce

@notalogin

With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.

@ComeToMyWidow

[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.

@briangaar

Sorry girl, you know you were dating a bad boy *heads out to fight boss without saving or buying potions*

@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@cbdoubleu

[hands a flat-earther a frisbee] here’s a basket ball

@hanizzle

Him: I’m going to call you at 12

Me at 12:01 : All men do is lie

@thatdutchperson

Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:

1. Stay together forever
2. Break up

No pressure.