@TuffyNyC

The next person who calls it an ATM Machine is getting sent to the ICU Unit.

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@brynnester

Before the internet the only way to review your stay at a Hotel was to write a song about it. Like The Eagles did

@Authoralexp

Nonwriters: How do you write a book?

Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again

Nonwriters: Then you’re done?

Writers: Then you start the next paragraph

@MomofTeen

Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.

@GermanFreckles

No, cough syrup, you’re not grape flavoured. Have you ever tasted a grape? You taste like death and the tears of small children, not grape.

@ThugRaccoons

Boss: And why can’t you come in today?

Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.

@R_A_Dadass

Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.

@sofarrsogud

*Son storms in

‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’

@TheAlexNevil

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

@ibid78

Well well well if it isn’t the kangaroo whose pouch I’m in.