A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good
[Takes dog to park]
*waits for romantic comedy to begin
I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
me: i feel anxious
body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down
me: i feel much worse
body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now
This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.