The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

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A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune


Pretty sure “see less from” is to Facebook what “close door” is to an elevator


[job interview]
Says here you’re good with nicknames?
“I don’t wanna brag Super Cool Interviewer Man”
*under his breath* holy shit he’s good


I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”


me: i feel anxious

body: here I make u sweat it will calm u down

me: i feel much worse

body: ok ok I make u throw up u relax now


This fly in my car is going to be very disappointed when it ends up at Walmart.