The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

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This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.


I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”


If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob


pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate


Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.


When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.


Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?


Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.


If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”


Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.