@IvoryGazelle

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

You Might Also Like

@thepaulahunt

This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.

@SouthrnPinUpMom

I wonder which woman said….. “yep I’m gonna put it in my mouth and see what happens.”

@abbycohenwl

If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@BritXNic

Unless you met your spouse while committing a diamond heist, I don’t need to hear how you got together.

@Bob_Heller

When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.

@WoodyLuvsCoffee

Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?

@Jesssicle

Why are hemorrhoid and diarrhea so hard to spell? Like if you’re talking about them, you aren’t having a rough enough time already.

@Reverend_Scott

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

@sannewman

Writing prompt: You will run out of money entirely in three months and your only skill is writing.