The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
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Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
Pavlov’s bell, but it’s me reading an email that I think says winebar when it’s actually webinar.
~Little Mermaid family meeting~
Ariel…. We found this hidden in your top drawer.
*places sea cucumber on table*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Before you take advice from me… you should know I walk around my house in my underwear while complaining about being cold.
The clowns I hire always seem surprised to find I’m the only party guest.
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
This recipe calls for half an onion, which presumes I have a plan for the other half of the onion, which means the recipe is getting the whole onion.
Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Humans: Okay, so
Dog Negotiator: Yes
Humans: Uh
Dog Negotiator: Absolutely. We’ll do it
Humans: I haven’t even
Dog Negotiator: I love you
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?
Me: did I look like I was paying attention?
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
omg leave her alone
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
My father has many healthy goats. All this can be yours.
My favorite thing is when my husband asks me to help him cook and then ignores literally everything I suggest and doesn’t like the resulting meal 😭
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes