i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
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Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?
Me *reports him to Human Resources*
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Downside: the pandemic rages on.
Upside: we’re learning the Greek alphabet
WARDEN: any last words
ME: come closer
WARDEN: *leans down* yes?
ME: *whispering* never gonna give you up never gonna let you down
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
[Me flirting with a twenty something]
Him: When last did you get lit?
Me: This morning. It was really sunny so I was well illuminated.
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
When I texted my dad I wanted to be a barrister he was so proud.
Years later I achieved my dream, and as I make him an Mini Java Chip Frappuccino it turns out I can’t spell and he isn’t proud.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
[ At the ball ]
Prince Charming: are you ok Cinderella?
Cinderella: no, my stomach is upset. I think I need to go to the bathroom.
Prince Charmin: I’ll take it from here, bro
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me