During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
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Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.
The irony is not lost on me.
My stomach just growled so loudly the dog and cat formed a militia
Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?
Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
[used car lot]
Customer: Do you have any mini vans?
Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall