The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.

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During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.


Sorry I conned your kid out of their Chuck E Cheese tickets. Maybe try not raising a sucker. Now excuse me, I have a sweet toy to play with.


Just had to Google synonyms for the word creative.

The irony is not lost on me.


Me: Who are you and how did you get in here?

Him: I’m a locksmith. And, I’m a locksmith.


I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”


lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling


“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.


[used car lot]

Customer: Do you have any mini vans?

Me: No, we sell cars…but there is a kid’s shoe store near the mall