I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
The next stick figure family I see with more than 3 stick figure kids is getting a complementary condom taped on their rear window.
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Hungover at 25: *Drinks Gatorade*
Hungover at 35: *Makes funeral arrangements*
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
You will go on a date with a beautiful woman. She could do so much better.
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
daaaaang i look good
People used to go all around the world for spices. That must have been underwhelming. “Guys, I’ve been gone three years and this is cumin.”
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm