If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
ME: This house is haunted
WIFE [sigh] We’ve been thru this, that’s our son
SON: I just have a pale complexion Dad
ME: TELL ME YOU HEARD THAT
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
I falcon love using swear birds
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
The types of jars
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)