@pittdave13

The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

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@TweetsByBilal

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

@NickMotown

I’m sure there’ll be some making distasteful jokes about Williams’ death. How annoying for them that he would have thought of funnier ones.

@EdgarAllanLo

Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.

@skickwriter

*Reads your ransom note*

*Edits for grammar and punctuation*

@Carbosly

That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”

@InternetHippo

All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news

@illTortuga

Just tried to cook something from scratch and ended up summoning a demon.

@tsunami__7

Worst part about going to work this morning was the look on my dog’s face that said “sucks for you, I’m going back to sleep”.

@donni

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down