The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six

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Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers… Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.


Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.


*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.


I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.


*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*


“Never put all your eggs in one basket,” I said to my best friend, boyfriend, business partner, and yoga instructor, Jack.


Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!

Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes

Cop: The fashion police

Me *kicking my crocs off* shit