The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
They’re on their honeymoon
IT’S-A ME,
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Nothing.
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
*holds seashell to ear*
[ocean sounds]
[ocean sounds]
[“Remember to click ‘subscribe’ & to rate & leave a com-]
*throws shell into the sea*
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.