The next time I accidentally wear a red shirt to target I’m just gonna tell everyone there is a sale on deer meat in isle six
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When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
what is cheese if not milk persevering
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
ac guy: when your air filter is dirty you
me: flip it around.
ac guy: no.
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
corner shelves seem like such an ingenious use of space until you try to put stuff in them
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
I enjoy driving because it combines my desire to sit with my talent for being angry.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
[1st date]
me: do you want kids?
her: Yes
me: GREAT [pulls 7 babies out from under table] HERE’S MINE HAVE FUN GOTTA GO
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?