my dog: LEMME OUT
me: you gonna bark?
dog: I HEAR THINGS LEMME OUT
me: what things?
dog: OMG THE WIND LEMME OUT
me: you don’t need to bark at the wind
dog: YES I DO CAN’T YOU HEAR IT BLOWING OUT THERE AND MAYBE IT WANTS TO PLAY OR BLOW THE HOUSE DOWN OR OR OMG LEMME OUUUT
The next time I hang out with people who start making out in front of me, I’m going to start flossing my teeth in front of them.
You Might Also Like
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Buy one annoying person, get two free!
Went out drinking at the bar last night.
Took a cab home.
Trying to figure out what to do with the cab in my garage?
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.