My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
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I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
X-tra spooky blend
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
In high school I wrote my crush a love note and signed it messy like a doctor, she loved it but thought it was my friend’s name.
Thanks to me they’ve been married for 17 years.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.