The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

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Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.


goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical


I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.


I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”


lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie


ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no


1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’


wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing


Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.


Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla