@LoveNLunchmeat

The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.

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@likeursoperfect

Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.

Him: we met six seconds ago.

@TweetPotato314

goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical

@DevilryFun

I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.

@celebrityhottub

I’m on a plane with the dad from Home Alone and it’s taking all my strength to not scream “WE FORGOT KEVIN!”

@Sotherans

lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter

they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie

@SirEviscerate

ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no

@Jenny4ashley

1,000 Ways To Die is so unrealistic. There’s no episode where a man asks a woman ‘what’s wrong?’

@iwearaonesie

wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing

@envydatropic

Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.

@RhiannonOcean

Ok people, I think the big take away from 2016 is that it’s really bad luck to start the year by shooting a gorilla