The next time my middle schooler refuses to acknowledge me in public, I’m giving him a big hug and asking him when his last bowel movement was.
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Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
This Valentine’s Day, make sure to make it extra awkward by playing “All By Myself” on full blast in your car while eating and sobbing into a bucket of fried chicken when you’re waiting at red lights.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
“Liquor in the front, poker in the back” is not an acceptable tee shirt slogan for my church’s charity poker team…
I know that now.
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
CUTE CAT‼︎
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
And when you saw one set of footprints, that must be when you started paying attention cause I got tired and went home a while ago
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[my laboratory]
ME: I’VE DONE IT!
MOUSE WITH EAR GROWING ON IT’S BACK: Holy crap keep it down.
Me: So anyway, I don’t know why people think LSD is so weird.
Three-legged, bright pink Griffin: I know, right?
Me: I like your top hat.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
sounds kinky. i’m in.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
When you’re a twin and you gotta give someone a gift on your own birthday.
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Nothing’s more infuriating than opening the in-flight magazine to see the Sudokus already half-done, in the colors of your rival Sudoku gang
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
[job interview]
“any public speaking experience?”
not since the valedictorian speech in high school
“very impressive”
I yelled ‘YOU SUCK’
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday