LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
You Might Also Like
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Every hotel is like: “Yes we’ll have tiny bars of soap and bottles of shampoo waiting for you but TOOTHPASTE IS WHERE WE DRAW THE LINE!!!”
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
Six-year-old: “Dad why do you have to go to work?”
Me: “If I didn’t go to work who would buy your transformers?”
Six-year-old: “Dad the money for transformers doesn’t come from your work. I pay for those by doing extra chores.”
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
North and South
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
If you’re looking for an experimental couple, we’re trying a new chicken recipe tonight, hit us up.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up