@MacAnnabella

The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.

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@bazecraze

Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.

@ch000ch

i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly

@bobvulfov

[hunting]
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say

@iGreenGod

You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.

@kumailn

“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
#corporateshows

@finah

reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too

@CAshmanActor

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

@Tmoney68

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.