The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.

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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.


i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly


DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say


You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.


“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”


reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too


me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola


“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.