Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
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The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Flip your microwave on its side. It loves it.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
me: omg I cannot WAIT for summer
also me: omg I’m soooo hot I am DYING
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
wife: how is it outside?
me: windy. almost blew one kids hat off and some guy’s trying to figure out how to get his smart car out of a tree
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 😋
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Airport receptionist: anything to declare?
Me: how bout these guns? *flexes*
Her: OH GOD HE’S GOT GUNS!
Me: wait.. I was..
Her: HELP!! AGH!
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.