Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
The next time someone describes me as feisty, I’m going to stand in front of them and air punch rapidly like Scrappy Doo.
You Might Also Like
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
DAD: dont scare him
ME: did u know we dump 16 tons of sewage into our waters every minute
DEER: holy shit
DAD: what did i just say
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
The fact touche and douche don’t rhyme bothers me.
“Thank you for coming.”
“It was mandatory.”
reminder that winnie the pooh wore a crop top with no panties and ate his favorite food and loved himself and you can too
My neighbor’s diary says I have boundary issues.
me: I’m into essential oils
pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite
“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.