*Baby presses ‘snooze’ to stay in womb extra 10 minutes*
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Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
[Girl over my house]
“My ex boyfriend had this weird one-man-band thing. You dont, right?”
[Unclipping my harmonica holder]
Def not.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
[During sex]
Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
[First date]
Her: i’m a criminal lawyer, what do you do?
Me: really, well it just so happens that I… (trying to impress her) …am a criminal
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
I hate what you’ve done with the place.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
paperclip: the staple for people with commitment issues.
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
women will invite you to shower with them then cook you alive with a temperature of water you didn’t know existed
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
I didn’t even know this was an option. Considering it.
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE