The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
#Caturday
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
Pollen is what happens when flowers can’t keep it in their plants.
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
I’m a barista which means I have 100 boyfriends and everyday they each give me one dollar
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
“I’m so sorry”
“No, I’m really sorry”
“No, I’m even sorrier than you”
“No, I’m the sorriest ever!”
*mutual hug*
-Canadian rap battle
Me to fly that won’t leave me alone:
there are gross things in the trash – why are you coming after me?
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
[Sci fi movie]
How did you travel such a distance so fast?
“I went through a wormhole.”Worms in the audience: Omg this is so unrealistic.
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
THE 3 PEOPLE IN EVERY CHIPOTLE LINE:
– guy ordering for his whole office who takes forever
– white lady who’s never been there before and doesn’t like spicy food. ends up getting a bowl of white rice and chicken
– guy who leans over sneeze-guard and is shouty about his order
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Saw a deer in our yard & I know it’s not a big deal but before moving our only yard wildlife was a family of city opossums & our dogs kept bringing the babies playing-dead in the house & I had to remove a lot of not-dead opossums cuz my husband is a chicken
So…a deer was nice
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*