@calluptome

The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”

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@TashyP_

Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.

@954LeenO

When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.

@BuckyIsotope

Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.

@SortaBad

POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case

ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn

CHIEF: …

ME: looks cool doesn’t-

CHIEF: totally looks cool

@TheCiscoKidder

My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.

@McGrumpenstein

As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.

@LostFelicia

Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.

@peteholmes

Forgot to make resolutions? Just write out everything you did last night and at the beginning add the word “stop.”

@Thynebear

Psychopaths make up about 1% of the US population. Exposing them is easy, just text your friends & check who has their read receipts on.

@jordan_stratton

Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.