The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
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Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
my wife’s divorce lawyer: why don’t we just get them to arm wrestle?
me whispering to my lawyer: do something
Always carry a newspaper or magazine so you appear to be preoccupied. – stalker handbook page 2 paragraph 3
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
6, holding a pic of me pregnant with him, “Why are you SO FAT?”
Me, “You’re inside my tummy.”
6, “That’s DISGUSTING.”
Me, “It gets worse..”
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
Peppa pig = spicy bacon
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
cellmate: what are you in here for
me: [snuggling] my bunk is cold