the next time u see a fork in the road, just try to remeber that at least, no mater wat u did, u werent the person who tried to eat the road
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Candles never taste the way they smell
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
Anaesthetist: Count back from 10
Me: WHY IS THERE MATHS? NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATHS
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
Starship Advertise Stardate 41153.6
Kirk: This velcro … is not … holding
Spock: Jim, it appears you’re using an inferior hook and loop system
Kirk: What … do you … suggest?
Spock: Logic demands we call in the experts
Kirk: Who … would that … be?
Spock: The Klingons
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I don’t think some women realize just how handsome my mom says I am.
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.