“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
Ever find buried treasure in your grandpas backyard containing passports, Nazi uniforms, and a photo with Papa with the Fuhrer inside? Yeah.
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.
we lost our power
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence