The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
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[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
“I don’t care about ‘marketing’. It’s the family name so that’s what we’re calling it.”
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
i can see why people hate change, it’s heavy and jingly in your pocket, and people look at you weird when you use it to buy booze, i get it
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
My 75 y/o mom has cataracts & is a bit colorblind now.
She gave my 11 y/o son a pink sweatshirt she thought was orange.
I’m gonna write on the back “don’t laugh I got this from your girlfriends house last night.”
Neither 11 nor mom think that’s funny.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
This flying squirrel faked his own death, and created a whole crime scene…for attention. I think I’m in love.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
My roommate in college asked me to listen in on a call with her boyfriend so that I could give her my “professional” roommate opinion but I got hungry and started eating potato chips which made her spend the bulk of the call trying to convince him no one was on the other line.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]