@chopper4jk

The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.

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@catstronomical

him: what did you do all day?

*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*

Me: it’s a purrrramid!

@SoVeryBritish

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

@ozzyunc

I hate when I call someone Queen of the Mole-People & they act like they only heard the Mole-People part.

@AnecdtlBrthCtrl

I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.

@LizHackett

It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.

@torrami

“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies

@continentlbkfst

getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver

@ozzyunc

Some people are the little piece of foil in the baked potato of life.

@Sal0630

Boss: I’ll tell you what I want

Me: So tell me what you want, what you really really want

*office breaks into Spice Girls dance routine