@JElvisWeinstein

The nicotine patch is great. I get my addiction out of the hands of the evil tobacco industry and into the loving arms of big pharma.

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@Doughbvy

ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.

ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, Ma’am.

@TheNaique

Every time a magician graduates from his school and throws his hat in the air at the convocation, PETA sues him for cruelty to rabbits.

@trojansauce

got fired from my job in the funeral home for inventing casketball

@TinyWriterLaura

reasons my cat is yowling:

-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen

@Social_Mime

The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.

ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.

MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*

ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.

@thedayofthedot

i hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore. facebook friends suck.

@portmanteauface

At the grocery store yesterday I saw at least 20 people buy massive amounts of toilet paper, pay with debit cards, use the PIN pads, and then touch their faces. All I’m saying is at least the dinosaurs had an excuse

@thejessbess

Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.