“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
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The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
If I yell loud enough I can turn this whole game around.
– dads at kids’ basketball games
just make the entire table out of coaster
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
If my eyes dart left, it means I don’t understand you. If my eyes dart right, it means there’s a tray of those mini sandwiches I like.
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
Not saying I deserve a gold medal in parenting, but it’s 4:47 PM and my 4yo just yelled “FINE THEN, I’M GOING TO BED!” So you be the judge.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
My personal trainer at the gym told me I need to start working on my upper body strength. I told him to just open the damn pickles and STFU.