@sarabellab123

*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

You Might Also Like

@dxblarssonENG

Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.

@iGreenMonk

The first guy to clap was really weird “I enjoyed this so I’m going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation”

@Reverend_Scott

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

@YourAnMoron

You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.

@TawaNicolas

I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.

@DirtMcTurd

[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million

@TheMichaelRock

Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have

@stephenjmolloy

[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”

@TheAlexNevil

Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.

@fillthevacuum

Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.