*the night I met my spouse*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*

Me: I don’t usually do this.

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Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.


The first guy to clap was really weird “I enjoyed this so I’m going to hit my hand with my other hand to show my appreciation”


You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?


You’d think a dude named Captain Crunch would have amazing abs.


I lost one of mom’s Tupperware at work and now I’m looking for a new family to adopt me.


[Watching “House Hunters”]

Jen is a housewife works on her art all day, her husband Tim manages a Taco Bell.

Tim: Our budget is $4 million


Coworker: I can’t believe my wife left me. I should of treated her better.

Me *should have


[Murderer breaks into my house]

Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”


Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.


Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.