The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
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Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
Me: I am become death. Destroyer of worlds.
Her: Will you please just spray the hornets’ nest?
Me: K.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Girl are you the burning bush?
Cuz you’re hot. And there’s no conceivable reason you should be talking to me.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
Has science gone too far?
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
My buddy wants to join Twitter because he’s tired of all the people fighting on Facebook, should I tell him.
Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
*lady shares a wallet photo of her son*
*i pull out a 20-part accordion wallet photo set of my dogs*
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here