[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
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You can say hello to ducks, even if you do not have a good history with them. I am a bear.
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
I suspected my marriage was in trouble when I’d meet my husband for dinner then we would both race home to make out with the babysitter.
The problem is you never know which Gary is going to show up.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
the only organized thing in my life is crime
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
ME: But Lord, what about the times I saw only one set of footprints in the sand?
JESUS: You know what, stop trying to be some kind of beach detective
Not to brag, but I can spend hours coming up with reasons not to do something that takes 5 minutes.
I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
I’m pretty disappointed that an unknown Uncle hasn’t left me a haunted mansion and millions of dollars by now.
Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.