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[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>


“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist


I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.


Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.


I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.


Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!


Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?


Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out


It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us