@linkindrinkin

the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it

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@UniqueDude2

[Meeting girlfriend’s parents]
Me: Well Mrs. Ashford, I can see where Elle gets her good looks!
<Mr. Ashford sulks the rest of dinner>

@lianamaeby

“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist

@CorkyCrash

I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.

@NotthatAdamWest

Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.

@RobDenBleyker

I’ll never forget what my grandfather told me before he died. He said “Never forget what I’m about to tell you” then some story about corn.

@djdarrellripley

Me: Go to school!

9yr Old: It’s Sunday.

Me: Go to church!

9yr Old: I’m Jewish.

Me: Convert!

@SternoShots

Me: Just to be safe, we should quarantine Texas and nuke it from space.
CW: That seems like an overreaction to Ebola.
Me: They have Ebola?

@Boo_berries_

Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes

Me: So what?

K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts

M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out

@maryfairybobrry

It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us