the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it

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(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.


HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!


Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.


ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again


Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then


If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.


HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep


Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.


Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…


Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.