@linkindrinkin

the nike cowboy boots marketing team in 1800s: just duel it

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@Pro_Jones_

(Job Interview)

Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.

@dave_cactus

HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!

@Sarcasmo718

Taking your shirt off when fighting is a great way to tell the cops who to arrest.

@AndyAsAdjective

ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!

6YR OLD: what are we having?

ME: you’ll like it! trust me!

6: I ain’t falling for that shit again

@fro_vo

Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then

@slonej75

If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.

@ShortSleeveSuit

HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?

SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep

@Mr_Kapowski

Even if you’re single, always blame a declined credit card on your fictional spouse at the register.

@lizetagge

Positive thinking comes in all shapes and sizes at your nearest liquor store…

@OGSeventy7

Yea autocorrect….I wanna luck your puddy and flick you in the asks.

Perfect