@camerobradford

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula

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@_chasing_amy

9 just scolded me at the grocery for buying wine.
I told him it was ok, I was 21 to which he loudly responded, Nooo, you’re 38.

Thanks son.

@ojedge

Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”

Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”

@Slygirl08

They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.

@simoncholland

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

@TwoSapphiresBlu

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

@huntigula

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

@mrjohndarby

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

@thewordy

boys love mysterious girls so don’t be afraid to show up to dates with a shovel and a smear of fresh blood on your collar

@Sickayduh

DAD: What happened to your car?

SON: Transmission is shot. Reverse doesn’t work.

DAD: Well…

SON: Don’t-

DAD: There’s no going back now

@disa_panda

Her: What did you do for fun in college?

Me [remembers organizing 10,000 baseball cards in order of career batting average]: had sex, got high