The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: I’m from the government and my name is Dracula
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This one’s “Alex”.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
[1st day as chef]
[quiet shouting grows louder as I burst into the dining area covered in lobsters]
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
I used my husband’s shoes to check the mail and was immediately compelled to ask the neighbor kids why they trust the trees since they’re so shady
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
I feel like a voodoo doll living in a Barbie world.
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Not me once again breaking something in the house that I’ve repeatedly warned my children to be careful with
According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion