Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
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I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
“I’m gonna sneak past you.” No you’re not. You’ve alerted me.
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My Dad is walking around with a shirt with rows of corn on it, telling everyone it’s a crop top.
I ran without my headphones today & was reminded that I feel better about my fitness when my soundtrack isn’t my panicked gasping breathing.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”
– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks
Friend graduated Harvard this weekend, but last night I got a 95/100 from the c-pap.
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
I’m giving up being poor for Lent so send me your credit card details
LEATHERFACE: Hruaghaww! *revs chainsaw*
VICTIM: Oh my god! It’s Leatherface!
LEATHERFACE: Wait! Wait. Is that what people are calling me? Do they think this is my face? It’s a mask! And it’s not even leather. It’s made of a face. They should call me “Facemask.”
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
i’ll never forget when I was in the 3rd grade and my teacher asked us to draw our favorite season and I drew salt
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
Hell yeah 👍
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
If you’re gonna have kids you’d better be prepared to make sacrifices. Chickens, goats, the occasional human, whatever the Dark Lord demands