the noise i just made
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ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Them: This is a knife for cutting cake
Me: [Laughing] Who actually cuts cake
Them:
Me: Oh
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
Happy Thanksgiving!!! (Penny wanted to dress up as a “Fancy Turkey”… Pls nobody tell her!!)
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Every 60 seconds in Africa, a minute passes.
Imagine you’re fine, minding your own business and then someone offers you a 50$ gift card and you end up spending 400$
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Ok who decided there’s no plural for certain words? Wtf did sheep and pasta do to deserve such disrespect!
911,What’s your emergency?
Me: I think it’s a heart attack
911: Can you call back when you’re sure, we’re watching Walking Dead
Me: I am surprised at how winded I am by this exercise!!
Personal Trainer: This was the tour of the gym.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what