[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

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*Superman saves the city by throwing a nuke into the ocean*
Crowd: Yay!!!
Aquman: Dude…


I met a little girl who told me she fake-sneezes when she wants people to leave her alone and I found myself sitting at her feet and begging for enlightenment.


When I wrote “Spiritual” on my online-dating profile, I meant I like to watch ‘Ghostbusters’.


“To label you “divine” would be to capture but a fraction of your resplendence.

… and could you pleeeeease grab an Oreo while you’re up?”


My goal is to have this whole hand washing thing mastered before they decide to remove the instructions.


*dog watching me feed cat*
-I honestly can’t remember the last time I had food.
-I fed you exactly 1 minute ago
-has it been a week I think it’s been a week


Then: I will never lie to my children

Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.