@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

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@TylerLinkin

After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.

@saucy_peaches

Had a talk with 12.

M: Do you know what a period is?
12: Yes, mom, it’s the dot at the end of the sentence.
M: …
12: …
M: Good talk

@Book_Krazy

Hub: Let’s go see a movie

Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*

H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.

@hpb777

Me: *texts* How’d you sleep?

Him: *texts* Horrible…I was tossing and turn-

Me: *crawls out from under his bed* I KNOW, YOU POOR THING.

@IamEveryDayPpl

Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!

~Me. Speed dating.

@GrantTanaka

got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price

@jon_bois

my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend

@BoogTweets

Me: if I’m not superman then explain THIS! *rips shirt open*

Her: um you’re not wearing the costume

Me: pretty strong though

@DawnHFoster

A man has emailed to tell me I am a bad journalist because the statistics in my article are actually four years old.

I wrote it in 2013.