CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
You Might Also Like
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list
And back to isle 3 and repeat
bicycle cop: im taking you to jail
me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you
[segway cop just dying laughing]
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.
When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.