[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles
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Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
Yeah. This was me today.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
“JELLYFISH ARE NOT MADE OF JELLY AND ALSO THEY ARE NOT VERY NICE!”–I scream from my swollen mouth
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
Civil War only it’s half of your hair that is chill and the other half that wants to secede from your head.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.