@nbadag

[the noise of everyone talking at a party randomly goes silent]
ME: i call hot dogs meat pickles

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@AbrasiveGhost

[Meeting]

CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-

BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]

@slimmy_shady

If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[restaurant]

RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg

WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?

RACCOON: t-two eggs?

WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs

RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!

WAITER: *eyes narrow*

@TheGoodGodAbove

Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.

You can stop sacrificing goats now.

@1MeLrO

I get my best cardio at the grocery store because I never make a list

And back to isle 3 and repeat

@EJGomez

bicycle cop: im taking you to jail

me [sarcastic voice]: should i ride on your pegs or walk next to you

[segway cop just dying laughing]

@pittdave13

Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it

@omgthatspunny

Cinderella was thrown off the basketball team because she ran away from the ball.

@Blunt_Sarcastic

When coming out of any coma, try keeping your eyes shut for another day or two to see what everyone’s saying about you.