Me: What’s wrong?
Me: Grabs shield and sword
The nominees are
And the winner is
mad max fury road
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Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Want to know the real reason girls go to the bathroom together?
The air hockey table.
All our bathrooms have one.
When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
me: [trying to cheat in an exam]
teacher: I’m married
My father in law drank four cartons of milk in less than six days, so I’ve decided we’ll need to ditch him pretty early on in the apocalypse.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn