The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
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Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
“THE UNIVERSE IS TEACHING ME PATIENCE” I scream zenfully
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”
“I am out of the office. If you need immediate help please contact customer service.”
“Dude this isn’t email I’m standing in front of you.”
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
Marriage is not a noun; it’s a verb.
Kinda like crying, screaming, or dying.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
Day 137 of telling myself I’ll start working out as soon as my [body part] stops hurting
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.
Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
I take back everything bad I’ve ever said about the Welsh
It’s so weird that AI applications keep getting forced on us even though they barely work. It’s like if when potato chips hit the market, every bag was half full of pencil shavings.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.