@NeinQuarterly

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”

- @NeinQuarterly

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@XplodingUnicorn

Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.

4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.

Me:

4:

Me:

4:

Me: *gets out of pool*

@UncleDuke1969

[first time]

HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?

@mrjohndarby

word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom

@deegeemindi

My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned

@abbycohenwl

I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there

@briangaar

Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting

@ADHDeanASL

16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me

*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*