The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
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My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.
him: i will see you in court!!!
me: so, you admit we’re seeing one another.
I simply point out, might not a warm piece of buttery toast have the same restorative effect as the cigarette to the smoker? And yet when I ask for a Toast Break I am laughed at . . .
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Life doesn’t do much to prepare you for when a coworker gets bangs and asks what you think of her hair.
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
*leans forward*
*leans back*
*leans forward*
*leans back*
Husband: Can’t find your reading glasses again?
Me: No, I’m doing micro crunches!
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
I’ve had my air fryer running for 197 continuous hours and I’ve got zero fried air to show for it.
8: I’m gonna marry someone who likes a different cereal than I do, so he won’t eat all my favorite cereal.
Me: Sounds pretty legit.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
After searching every level of the parking deck, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will never remember where I parked my car, so looks like I’m gonna just have to buy another one and call it a day.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
temp agency: can you do retail
lizard: yes
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
Hit me in the face with a bird
The hardest part of parenting is trying not to laugh in your kids face when they’re mad at you because you woke them up too early.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
Trains are great for when you need the names of towns screamed at you intermittently over a loud speaker
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.