The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
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I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
Worlds greatest photobomb
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
he’s doing your taxes
My new table from Ikea is actually just the unopened box with a tablecloth thrown over it.
Screaming out, “YOUR HARMFUL SIDE EFFECTS DON’T SCARE ME,” in a pharmacy, gets you moved to the front of the line, apparently.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
I’m going to the gym. If you don’t hear from me again…I died.
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
if twitter really is dying, my confession is that i never noticed the comma in that one pride and prejudice quote, so up until recently i always read it as “you have bewitched me body and me soul” in a leprachaun voice and i never understood how people found that romantic