The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
You Might Also Like
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*buying teacher’s gifts*
7: Mrs. J said she hates candles.
Me: {recalling mountain of homework every night} Pumpkin Spice Candle it is then!
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
Fatherhood is a privilege, an honour and something I am grateful for every day. Being a dad is not just about telling lame jokes. It’s about threatening homelessness if they’re not laughed at.
Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Beam me up, Scotty
Seam me up, tailor
Meme me up, internet
Team me up, sports agent
Steam me up, sauna
Dream me up, sleeper
Cream me up, barista
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
liquor on the top shelf is so expensive because the bartender has to stand on their tippy toes to reach it
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay