The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

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Me: I don’t like scones.

British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.

Me: What do you mean?

British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-

Me: I dont think you like scones either.


*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*

don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on


You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March


Me: so what are you wearing sexy?

Collection agency: umm…we’ll just call back tomorrow


To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.


Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking


<door bell>

Zombie wife: Is that Bob?

Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.


My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…


*walks into interview*

Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.

*walks out of interview*


Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.