@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

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@funnybeachgirl

With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line

@TheRolo

[1st date]
Her: I love quail
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Cher
M: Omg me too!
H: Love men
Me: Omg me too!
H: Love Pepsi
M: WTF is wrong with you?

@RandomManik

Everything brightened up when you came into our presence.

– Food in my refrigerator.

@hippieswordfish

lobster christian grey: ‘my tastes are very…..singular’

*opens closet door revealing hundreds of rubber bands*

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

@o__0Dev

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

@TheMichaelRock

If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn’t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?

@randypaint

billy joel: she’s an uptown girl

me: where has she been living

billy joel: ur not gonna believe this

@gojarbe

“and this blood shall be called A+”

all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”