You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
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Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?
I wish my condoms had little jokes on them, instead of in them.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu
[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.