@funnyordie

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

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@DaddyJew

You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away

@ginnyhogan_

Dating is so hard. Like, what does it mean when a guy doesn’t watch your Instagram stories, doesn’t like your tweets, doesn’t respond to your texts, and is dating someone else?

@RedRegenerated

Me: *on safari naked*

Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?

@Jay1972Jay

Give a man a fish, he eats today.

Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.

@TheAlexNevil

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.

@iamspacegirl

“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”

@poopiest

“haha this costume party is great”
“sir PLEASE get off the table”
“cool librarian costume”
*sprays silly string*
“hey dude nice police costu

@david8hughes

[letting my friend hold my newborn baby]
Me: careful, don’t let it die
Friend: dude I have 3 kids of my own
Me: sure, 3 we know of

@HollyMemphis

When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.