[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
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*watching the first MI, Tom Cruise sends a message to max@job 3:14
me: pfft that’s not a valid email address format, no wonder it’s called Mission Impossible
wife:
me: I mean some of the other stuff seems pretty improbable too
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
Me: You should know I’m alliterate
Her: You mean illiterate?
Me: No, not necessessfully
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Tinder, but it’s an app that you and your wife have for local restaurants, when you both swipe on a match, that’s were you go for dinner.
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
My kitchen overserved me.
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Siri, make that person I actually really liked un-hurt my feelings
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
*hires sky writer*
I K N O W Y O U A T E
T H E L A S T F R U I T R O L L U P.
I W A N T A D I V O R C E
K A R E N.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.