the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
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I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
[me holding a door]
PRETTY GIRL: [over her shoulder] thanks.
ME: sorry, i’m married, but in time you’ll get over me.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
BANK: Someone made fraudulent charges with your debit card
ME: Wait… how do you know it wasn’t me
BANK: They entered the PIN correctly on the first try
ME: Dear god
8yo me: i wanta be a paleontologist when i grow up
28yo me: (sifting through cat litter) oh look, a quarter!
Stop remaking Batman and remake Dude, Where’s My Car? You cowards
*chugging beers at 11am*
Waitress: looks like somebody is having a fun St Patrick’s Day!
Me: That’s today?
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
I knock on the refrigerator door before opening it, just in case there’s a salad dressing in there.
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
[supermarket – empty shelves]
me: everyone is hordeing
her: I think you mean hoarding
me: *watching the Mongol army massing on the horizon* I know what I mean
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
How many blondes does it take to change a diaper?
Ask Hugh Hefner.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
When you’ve simply given up.
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.