[brainstorming movie scripts]
WRITER: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
STEPHEN KING: what if it’s an evil dress
The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
Dear parents buying holiday gifts for teachers:
They don’t want candles or a Starbucks GC. They put up with your kids. They want wine.
*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
THERAPIST: My suggestion for you: Therapy dog
ME: They told me I don’t qualify to be a therapy dog
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Shout out to metaphors. Without you there would only be like four songs.
Ian: “I baked you a pie to say sorry for backing over your cat in my car.”
Tim: “You did what?!”
Ian: “Baked you a pie.”