Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
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What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
Accidentally took a second muscle relaxant and I haven’t felt this calm since I was in the womb and my Mom was smoking and drinking.
“It doesn’t matter what you look like on the outside”
ME: Oh thank god
“It’s who you are on the inside”
ME: Dang
A guy on Tinder just asked me what my Social Security Number was. I was so thrown – I’m really not used to men taking an interest in my life.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
coworker: you alright?
me: my lunch isn’t agreeing with me.
my lunch: global warming is a myth
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Kissing 101:
1. Open your mouth
2. Wider, that’s it.
3. Stick out your tongue
4. Then walk towards her and pray she doesn’t run away.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Are we not gonna talk about how Edward Scissorhands’ mom had sex with a cutlery drawer?
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
me: my parents aren’t home
911: we can’t help you with your capri sun straw
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
God: [creating Guy Fieri] “Hand me a head.”
Angel: We’re out of human heads.
God: “Hand me a pineapple.”
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Phones down.
My husband is playing Super Mario Bros with our sons and one of them is having a MAJOR tantrum. Sadly, it’s my husband.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
DATE: I’m leaving
ME: Why?
D: You keep pretending to be a bat
M: I don’t
D: You’re doing it right now
[a single tear rolls up my forehead]
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
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